Harry Potter and the Kidney Stones
by AisyaBeef
Summary: "Harry! I am your father" said Snape in a low hard tone "WHAT?" yelled Harry in Shock "It's ok Harry, Snape's just had a lot of pumpkin juice to drink..." A complete Parody on the first book of harry potter!
1. Chapter 1:Prologue

**Disclaimer: We do not own any of the characters and places in this fan fiction they all belong to J.K Rowling. We're just improvising ;)**

Prologue:

Harry Potter 'The boy who lived' led an unexpectedly happy life.

Born and brought up with a pack of wolves in the forests of India, Harry soon learned the way of the wild along with friendly and guiding figures Bhaloo the bear and Bagheera the panther….

Oh! Wait! Wrong story!

It was a dark foggy night in Privet Drive where a cat sat in wait for a long bearded professor.

"Damn my lighter isn't working" grumbled Dumbledore he looked up at the lit street.

"Stealing are we?" said McGonagall turning human and catching Dumbledore in the act of stealing light from the street.

"What? No!" said Dumbledore shoving the lighter in his pocket. "I was just making sure no one caught us!"

Suddenly a mouse passed by them. Professor McGonagall hurriedly went on all fours and started chasing it excitedly.

"Err… Professor?" asked Dumbledore"Oh sorry, I get confused", said McGonagall embarrassed getting up.

Suddenly a loud roar was heard and a flying bike was seen in the sky.

"Woohoooo! Check me out!" cried Hagrid flinging his arms to the sky "Oh yeah!"

The people living on the street woke up and came out yelling curses at the noise that woke them up.

"Quick we need a distraction!" yelled Dumbledore. He flung his beard over his shoulder and started belly dancing on the street. "Come on join me! Just like we used to!" he told McGonagal.

"Um maybe later Professor" she mumbled embarrassed.

As soon as the people went in Hagrid landed. He handed over the baby to McGonagall.

"Oh what a- wait what's that mark?" asked McGonagall pointing to the lightning shaped scar on the babys forehead.

"Yea that's a symbol that Voldemort left on him marking him as the chosen one." said Dumbledore knowingly.

"Yea… it had nothing to do with half giant practicing his tattooing skills" said Hagrid nervously.

Dumbledore placed the baby on the porch and decided to play a prank on the Dursleys.

He rang the doorbell, ran and hid in the bushes giggling.

Mrs. Dursley opened the door "What who's there?"

"Trick or treat!" said Hagrid enthusiastically.

"What! It's a Monster! Aahh! A monster!" She took out a broom and started hitting Hagrid.

"Ma'am! I would appreciate it if u didn't call me a monster!" said Hagrid running away. "Just gimme the candy lady!"

**Authors Note:**

Hey guys! this is a complete Parody on the first book of Harry potter. It's our (Aisya and Beef) first time writing a fan fiction so please review and tell us what you think we will soon add the next few chapters! From both of us bye for now!


	2. Chapter 2:Dyeonalley

-11 years later-

Harry woke up in his room under the stairs.

"Wake up! Wake up!" shouted Dudley running down the stairs "Wake-Aaaah!"

The stairs had given way to Dudleys weight and he fell right on top of poor Harry.

Now all that was left was a gaping hole on the staircase.

The family decided to go to the zoo for Dudleys birthday.

At the zoo Harry stopped in front of a snake enclosed by a glass plate.

"Hmmm… crack resistant glass." He read from a sign below. He decided to test it. He took a chair and rammed it against the glass wall and … it broke.

"OMG! Magic!" said Harry shocked.

The snake gliding out "'Thank you" he hissed

"I can speak to snakes!" yelled Harry with shock and pride

"Nah this one's just bilingual" said the zoo keeper.

"No I say I can speak to snakes!" he said hitting the zoo keeper unconscious with the chair.

The next day the doorbell rang. Harry opened the door and found Vernon Dursley dressed like a mail man handing him a letter.

"You're a post man?" exclaimed Harry

"Err… yea it's a part time job. Oh and don't tell Petunia." He whispered. He then quickly changed backed into one on his usual shirts and snatched the letter from Harry. "No letters for you boy" he said chucking the letter in the fire. He quickly dressed back into the mailman's uniform and walked off whistling away.

Everyday his uncle would continue giving him a letter and then snatching it away until Sunday.

On Sunday Uncle Vernon sat gleefully on his armchair munching on a biscuit and saying to himself repeatedly "No mail on Sunday!"

Suddenly Vernons boss calls him. "Yea Man you got work today so you better get your ass down here."

Uncle Vernon ends up coming back home with a bag of mail just for Harry. Again he tries to snatch it away but this time Harry cunningly gets one and tries running away with it.

"That's it!" yelled Uncle Vernon "We're moving far away! Far Far away! Where we can never get mail!"

"I've seen this thing before" whispered Dudley to Harry

"Me too. Isn't Far far away the place where Shrek lives?" asked Harry

"Let's hope the green chicks dig me " replied Dudley packing up his oversized clothes

The family pack up their bags and end up moving to the tree house about 30 metres away from their house.

One night a strange huge man enters Privet Drive and starts ramming down all the doors on the lane.

"Are you Harry Potter?" he asks each one of them. "What the hell! It was eleven years ago how the devil am I supposed to remember the door number!"

Finally he reaches the Dursleys house and finds the house empty. "Where are you HARRY POTTER!" he yells.

"Oh are you looking for me?" asked Harry climbing down the tree house.

'No I'm looking for Harry Potter kid."

"Oh that's me" said Harry softly.

"Sure you are and I'm George Clooney!" said Hagrid cynically

Suddenly a voice enters Hagrid's head *The scarrrr * It rings through his head like wedding church bells.

*The scar* again the voice is heard but now more subtle than before. Hagrid turns around and sees Dumbledore whispering 'The scar' behind him.

"Um Sir, can you please stop?" said Hagrid looking at Dumbledore quite irritated now

"Sorry. Just thought the moment required something, well I'm off to the chambers now." said Dumbledore imitating Voldemort's usual 'gliding over the ground 'and disappears in the darkness.

"Yes boy. You are Harry." Said Hagrid pointing to Dudley

"Sir? I am Harry." said Harry

"Oh so sorry little boy. I forgot my glasses in the … um...never mind that" Hagrid said

Hagrid then delivered the acceptance letter to Harry and without a doubt Harry hopped onto Hagrid's bike and was off to a place he didn't know about .

Hagrid took Harry to "DIAGON ALLEY"

"So is it Diagon alley? Or di-gone alley? Or dye- on- alley?" asked Harry quite confused

"Diagon" replied Hagrid bluntly

"Hmm so its di and gone? " asked Harry

"Yes." said Hagrid extremely irritated now.

Hagrid and Harry arrive at the 'Gringots bank' to make a withdrawal

Harry was surrounded by tiny people and soon tried to crawl on the floor to see the world as they did.

"Get up boy! Stop acting like a fool!" said Hagrid picking up Harry

"They are goblins and don't underestimate them, they are very smart." said Hagrid

Just as Hagrid completed his sentence, a goblin runs into a wall and falls down and the other goblin's behind him trip over him falling over like a set of dominoes causing havoc in the bank.

"Umm except that batch of goblins" said Hagrid.

A goblin guides them to a small boat which would carry them across a water passage to their vaults.

"This way" said the goblin in a screechy voice

Harry and Hagrid get seated on the boat along with the goblin and the boat starts to move along the passage. Within half way to their vaults the boat begins to capsize due to the weight of Hagrid.

"Help me! Help me!" yells the goblin

Hagrid who was sitting in ankle deep water realises how stupid he felt and rescued the vault keys from the goblin and left the goblin to drown.

"Why dint you save him?" asked Harry

"The strong shall survive and weak shall...um... Die" said Hagrid feeling very satisfied with himself suddenly.

Hagrid opens a huge vault

"That's your vault Harry" said Hagrid

"Whoa ! All this gold is mine?" asked Harry excitedly

"It sure is. Well let me show you around your vault" said Hagrid

"Welcome to your Golden Crib" said Hagrid showing a welcoming hand

"At the east you can see your mansion , To the west you have a pool, and straight ahead in the north side you have a dog sleeping under a blanket of golden cloth and he's yours as well" said Hagrid showing Harry around

"Well I have another thing to do if you don't mind" said Hagrid unlocking a much larger vault next to Harry's

The huge vault opens and a tiny package is seen inside

"Whoa! Ive read about this. That's the Sorcerer's stone isn't it?" asked Harry

"What ? No! It's my Kidney stone! Took it out cause friends wanted to see it" said Hagrid

Hagrid opens another tiny vault near the large vault

"Now this is the Sorcerer's stone" said Hagrid

"OOOH!" said Harry

After making the withdrawal Harry and Hagrid bought the necessary equipment for the year at Hogwarts and they make a last stop at 'Oliver's wand' shop to buy a wand.

"Aaaah! Harry potter! I have just the wand for you" said Oliver bringing out atleast 50 wand's for Harry to choose from

"You said you had JUST the wand, I assumed it was one wand" said Harry

"Naaah!" replied Oliver

"So what's so special in these wands? How do I know which is right for me?" asked Harry doubtfully

"Umm there is Rosewood, then Rubber wood, then Teakwood, then Ebony , then some other wood" said Oliver quite bored about the types of wood

"Umm I think I'll take the Rubberwood" said Harry

"PERFECT! Good choice!" said Oliver quite happy

"Really?" asked Harry

"NO! No one bought that wand for a real long time so I was scared that it wouldn't sell." said Oliver

**Authors Note:**

**Hey guys! Thanx for the reviews! Hazelnut Aisya and Beef are two separate people genuinely lol glad ur liking the story! Anyway please keep reviwing and we shall post the next chapter real soon ;)**


	3. Chapter 3:The Golden Ticket

After getting a wand along with the other essentials required, Harry and Hagrid decided It was time to board the Hogwarts Express.

Hagrid handed over a golden ticket to Harry and told him that it was the ticket to board the train.

"Whoa! Is it real gold?" asked Harry in amazement

"Nah! Its chocolate" said Hagrid eyeing the ticket carefully.

Harry walked down the train station to the mysterious platform 9 3/4 guided by Hagrid

"Well, you see Harry, when I was your age I was small and wimpy just like you." said Hagrid.

"Oh, but how did you manage to grow so huge?" Harry asked inquisitively.

"Aah! I should blame the steroids! Giant's foosball demands great size and strength, so I just decided to grow the easy way."

Harry seated himself in a lonely compartment on the train.

"May I join you?" asked Ron "Everywhere else is full."

"Sure." Harry replied.

"Hi I'm Harry potter" Harry introduced himself

"And I'm Justin Bieber" said Ron.

"Whoa! I'm a great fan of your songs" said Harry excitedly.

"What in the world? No way man! I'm Ron Weasley." said Ron

A sudden sense of shock arises in Ron's mind "OH MY GOD! ARE YOU REALLY?"

"Yes, I'm the one and only Harry potter 'the boy who lived'" said Harry with pride.

"No, I didn't mean that, Are you really gay?" yelled out Ron.

"What? NO! Whoever told you that?" asked Harry

"Rumors go around brotha, watch out" said Ron

Hermione passes by their seats and stares at Harry. "Are you British?" she asked.

"No I'm welsh" replied Ron.

"She was talking to me" snaps Harry. "Hi, Im Barry trotter" blurts harry. "I mean HARRY POTTER" he corrects himself.

Their conversation was soon stopped as they arrived at Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry

"YO ! I'm Malfoy" said a tiny boy strutting around Harry.

"Hey I'm Harry potter 'the Boy who lived'" said Harry.

"Do you have to keep telling people that?" asked Ron

After the sorting ceremony and dinner at the Great Hall, Harry and his friends move out to their dormitories to get a good night's sleep

Early next morning Ron awoke with a start due to the squeal of his rat 'Scabbers'

"HARRY! YOUR FILTHY BIRD ATE MY RAT! MY POOR SCABBERS! Oh what do I do now? Scabbers has been in my family for 10 years now!" cried Ron

"Well, Hedwig is nocturnal and you should have known better than to leave Scabbers in Hedwig's cage alone with him." said Harry in a very logical tone.

"Oh well, you're right, so do you think I should get a phoenix now? Heard Dumbledore has one, thinking of swiping his" said Ron

"Well, we gotta go for class now, we've got Quidditch." said Harry

As Harry, Ron and Hermoine made their way down for class they wondered what the commotion at the school ground was for.

"Look guys! Neville has a Remembrall! Well its mine now" said the wicked little kid Malfoy

"Give it ere Malfoy! GIVE IT 'ERE!" said Harry standing about 10 yards away from Malfoy

"Bet they can't even hear you from here brotha" said Ron looking on

"Give it ere Malfoy! Give it 'ere!" said harry running towards Malfoy

"Well then come and get it" said Malfoy while getting on a broom

"CRAP!" Malfoy decided to run while holding the broom in-between his legs

"I'm coming Malfoy!" Harry said while copying Malfoy's movements and ran behind him with a broom in-between his legs as well.

"Hmm how long till they realize they are running and not flying?" asked Ron

"I'll give them a day" said Hermoine

Suddenly Ron started singing out the Harry potter tune in a loud screechy voice "Te tin te tin tin tinn tin tin. Tin te tin tin tin tinnnnn... te tinn te tinn te tin te tin ... te tin te tinnn te tin"

"Why would you even do that?" asks Hermoine with a disgusted look

"I thought the moment required something" said Ron sounding very pleased with himself.

Soon Harry caught up with Malfoy and started grappling with him to obtain the Remembrall.

"HARRY POTTER!" shouted professor McGonagall, "enough of your antics! You're a seeker already and why aren't you flying on your broom?" shouted McGonagall

"I was just trying to play fair" replied Harry

"Screw you man! That aint cool" said the twins Fred and George who were standing in the corner watching the scene

"Did Hermoine see me?" asked Harry

"No way man! She covered her eyes as soon as you stuck that pole in-between your legs" said George

"Well I'll get her eventually" Harry replied with a smirk

After a long day at Dumbledore's office for running with a broom stick and initiating a fight with Malfoy, Harry decided to calm himself down and headed on to potions class

"Sit down!" said Snape in a stern voice.

"Now how many of you can tell me what the ingredients for a Polyjuice potion are?" asked Snape "Anyone ...?"

"Just as I thought" said Snape

"Erm i know the answer, its Leswing flies, Gilliweed and toad's eyes" replies Harry confidently

"And how do you know that?" asked Snape which much concern

"It's right here! In my book! It's not mine though I got it from seconds." said Harry

"Oh how wonderful!" said Snape with most disinterest

"It says this book belongs to the 'Half blood Prince' and also its written Lily potter is the bomb!" mutters Harry in a shock.

"What the Hell? Give me that! Stupid first year's snooping around my closet!" said Snape thrusting the book away into his dark robe.

The rest of Harrys day was quite disturbing due to the thoughts of Snape in love with his mom.

The next day Harry was awoken by the sounds of laughter and giggles. It was Christmas and Harry ran downstairs to find out that even he had a present.

"Open it up" said Ron.

"Ok. It's some sort of cloak" said Harry in confusion

"OOOH! I know what it is! It's the cloak of confusion" said Ron amazed

Harry puts on the cloak but soon got dizzy and fell on the floor

"Yep! I forgot to warn you. It happens to all first timers" said Ron munching on his bear jerky

"Thanks. Now he tells me" muttered Harry quite disappointed

"No problem buddy" said Ron still happy munching on his food

"Who would even make such a thing?" asked Harry

"Voldemort" said Ron pretty content with his small world of food. "We've all got one"

"He says it will help him if Hogwarts is confused when he finally decides to attack" said Ron

"I'm not gonna put it on" said Harry

"Well if you don't he's gonna cast the crucio curse on you. He can see you through a pinhole camera installed in the cloak." said Ron

"Well I'll leave it here for now." said Harry and takes Ron to the Great hall for breakfast


	4. Chapter 4:Ostrich Pancreas

After eating Harry and Ron walked up the rotating stairwell that landed them on the third floor… The forbidden floor.

"Oooo! What does this button do?" wondered Ron and he pressed a black button on the wall

"NOOO!" shouted Harry.

"Relax Indiana Jones! Sheesh! It's just a three headed man eating dog that is guarding a small door at its feet." said Ron calmly

"Ok, now we run" said Ron still calmly

After making a daring escape Ron and Harry wondered what the tiny door was doing there let alone the giant three headed dog.

"I bet he was guarding something." said Dumbledore

"What? How did you? What did you...? Wha...?" stammered Ron at the sudden presence of Dumbledore

"If you ask me it's the Sorcerer's stone." said Dumbledore

"Ahem… Um... Thank you sir." replied Harry

"I'd love to stay and help but have a poker game to host." said Dumbledore and walked away

"Ooook! That was awkward!" said Ron

"You bet it was." replied Harry

Ron and Harry walked along the corridors narrating to Hermione what they had just witnessed and the sudden interference of Dumbledore was told as well.

Suddenly a Dark hand grabbed Harry into a room. Hermione and Ron were startled and tried to grab Harry, but the dark mysterious figure was Snape.

"Harry! I am your father" said Snape in a low hard tone

"WHAT?" yelled Harry in shock.

"Whoa! Whoa there! It's ok Harry, Snape's just had a lot of pumpkin juice to drink. So you know what

would happen." said Dumbledore reassuringly

"Whew! Oh yeah. That's ok." said Harry relieved

"I still know what you did last summer" said Snape darkly

"What? But I didn't mean to. He started it!" Harry confessed

"It's ok Harry. The movies are getting to him. He was watching a lot of Star wars and now some random thrillers." said Dumbledore

"Don't worry boy. You can go. Come Snape lets go get your juice." said Dumbledore and he walked Snape away from the scene

Ron looks at Hermione and said "Awkward again"

"Harry you ok?" asked Hermione

"Hell No!" said Harry paranoid

"Here have a jerky." offered Ron

"Thanks" said Harry

"Wow! This stuff is amazing." said Harry

"Yep! It is after all ostrich pancreas" said Ron while munching happily

"Never mind" said Harry spitting out the jerky.

Harry was pretty disturbed through the night and he went to a lonely room in the castle and sat there watching his refection in the mirror.

"Wow" said harry

"I know" said a familiar voice. The voice of Dumbledore "I look so good right?"

"Professor why is this mirror here?" asked Harry

"It shows you your deepest desires." said Dumbledore

"But I can't see anything." said Harry

"Wait first we gotta connect it to a power source, then we gotta insert a coin, then jump backwards three times, then pick our nose's and there we have it!" said Dumbledore while performing the required actions.

"I CAN SEE IT!" said Harry shocked

"Well now you know how it works. I'll leave you to it then" said Dumbledore

Harry went back to his dormitory after a hard day and tried to fall asleep but something kept bothering him. It was the thoughts about the sorcerer's stone. He wanted to know more about this strange artifact.

Harry crept out of bed and taking his blanket along with him to hide himself he slowly and stealthily walked the halls of Hogwarts .

He reached the library and slowly approached the "Restricted section". He opened the door gently and laid his gas lamp on the table and searched the sections for the book that might have the key to his questions but his quest to be a "Ninja in the dark" was ruined thanks to the many others who were also hiding under blankets searching through the restricted section for different reasons.

And those many others included Dumbledore who was in search of 'Party animal'

Snape who was in search of 'Luscious Lucious Hair remedies'

Hermione who was in search of 'Know it all in 2 days'

Ron who was in search of 'Phoenix or a rat – by Peter Pettigrew'

"Oh hello Harry, don't mind us, we are all just picking up a few books as well." said Dumbledore

"But why is everyone trying to hide if everyone else know they are there?" asked Harry confused

"Just trying to blend in." said Dumbledore

After a while though Dumbledore said "Oh wait! This is my castle and I can do what I want" and removing his blanket he walked out of the library

The next day Harry, Ron and Hermione on their way after their Herbology lesson stopped in their tracks when they heard a strange but awful tune.

It was Hagrid playing the flute. "Pretty cool huh? See I can play Jingle bells!" he said excitedly

After a miserable attempt though the three decide to slowly sneak off without him noticing.

"Guys you wanna know about the philosophers stone right?" whispered Hagrid from the corner of his mouth.

"Actually no, we wanna know about the Sorcerer's stone" said Harry

"No No! it's the philosophers stone!" argued Hagrid

A heated argument arose and soon both Hagrid and Harry whipped out their wands and started imitating sword fighters using their wands as swords. Harry jumped from a gargoyle statue shouting and landed his wand right on Hagrids head finishing off the match.

"Not much of a giant is he?" said Ron pathetically.

Suddenly Snape passed by them screaming "Oooh! My leg my leg! I've got an ouchie on my leg!"

"Woah where did you get that gash man?" asked Ron

Snape tried to hide the gash with his cloak and dashed off whimpering "My leg My leg!"

"You know I think it was a giant animal that did that!" said Hermione knowingly

"Nah I think X-man decided to pay him a visit" said Ron.

Suddenly a troll looms up behind them.

"Look who finally decided to show up!" muttered Ron.

The troll grunted at Ron then stared at Hermione

"Hey I think he likes you!" Ron told Hermione.

The troll roared and picking up Hermione started flailing her about dangerously.

"Oops! Man was I wrong about that troll!l" said Ron shaking his head

"I'm coming for you my Love!" said Harry bravely. He whipped his wand out with so much force that it slipped out of his hand and flew ten miles away from him.

"Now what?" asked Ron

"Run!" said Harry running away.

Ron sighed "I got this Brotha! Yo Troll Over Here!"

The troll left Hermione and bent over to Ron.

Ron whipped out his I pod and started playing "Baby Baby Baby ooooh...Like Baby Baby Baby nooo…"

The Troll screamed as if it were being tortured and ran away as fast as possible.


	5. Chapter 5:The Match

The next day was the Quidditch match and Harry was playing seeker for Gryffindor.

"How did you get to be a seeker?" asked Ron at the breakfast table

"Pure talent." said Harry secretly slipping money to Miss McGonagall who pocketed it with a smirk.

Before the game started Oliver had a word with Harry. "Now remember people have died in this game before but don't worry if you die we'll just replace you." he said smiling encouragingly.

Seeing harry nervous though Oliver handed him something "Drink it up it's an energy drink" he said winking.

Harry took a sip and immediately spat it out. He looked at the bottle which said 'BACARDI'

"Oh darn that's mine" Oliver said hastily taking away the bottle "Ah here is the energy drink."

A bell rang and the balls were released. The snitch danced in front of Harry and shot up. "That Ball's mocking me!" complained Harry.

"You're supposed to chase it!" screamed Oliver

"Oh rite…" said Harry speeding up. Having lost sight of the ball however he decided to stay up and watch the match. Lee came on a broom tossing peanut packets to the audience.

"Give It 'Ere!" shouted Harry. Lee tossed him a packet and he sat back eating peanuts and watched the match below.

Two Hours passed by and the match still went on. Above Harry decided to take a nap.

Ten Hours passed by and the match still went on. Above Harry read little women.

A Day passed by and the match still went on. Above Harry listened to Spice Girls

A Week Passed and the match still went on. Above Harry ate his 86th packet of peanuts. While he was eating, the snitch which was tired of flying for so long decided to rest on Harrys peanuts. Without realizing Harry put the snitch in his mouth and started choking. His face went blue and he went spiraling downwards and finally spat out the snitch.

The sleep deprived crowd realizing that the match was finally over rose and trudged back to their towers while some while walking fell asleep on the ground.

Harry at last decided to settle down and pay attention to his studies but as usual he always found a way to ruin his education and also ruin it for the others around him. Yes we are talking about Ron and Hermione

"We should see what that dog is guarding." said Harry

"Why? So that you can get killed?" asks Hermione

"No! Im the boy who lived" says Harry proudly

"Yeaaa. Not for long at the rate at which this is going." said Hermione rolling her eyes

Harry, Ron and Hermoine went upto the Third floor and opened the door in which Fluffy the three headed dog remained closed inside.

"Man are we lucky it's his nap time!" said Ron eyeing the giant three headed dog distatefully.

"Now all we gotta do is walk by silently to the trap door" said Harry wisely and then he trips over a loose floor board and goes sprawling on the ground waking the giant three headed dog fluffy in the process.

It roared in annoyance

The three escaped the angry dog and jumped down the trap door and fell into something.

"Hmm… squishy." said Harry

"Its snakes" said Hermione calmly

"What!" yelled Harry "Get it off! Get it off!" he screamed

"Hey Losers down here!" came Rons voice somewhere from below.

"Wait how did you get down there?" asked Hermione

"I used the ladder" said Ron casually.

Hermoine and Harry turned backwards and saw a huge Arrow pointing down to a ladder blinking with lights and in huge words it was written 'WAY DOWN!'

As soon as they were down they entered a room.

"Oh look pixies!" said Ron excitedly pointing to a colony of winged insects. "I've always wanted one" he said dreamily batting his eye lashes.

"There's a door!" said Harry proud of his discovery "and if I'm correct I have to get on this broom and chase the insect that has the key!"

Before anyone could argue with that Harry got on the broom and started chasing the insects.

"Or you could just open the door" said Hermione pushing it open

"Now she tells me." muttered Harry after getting stung and bitten by the insects.

Next they entered a chess board.

"Ok these games are really starting to piss me off." said Harry sulkily.

"Oh yay! Horsie!" said Ron excitedly clambering on to a horse.

"Oh no! We're really going to have to play this game to get to the other side!" said Harry nervously

"Or we could do this" said Hermione pushing the opponents King down.

"Well that was easy" said Harry.

"No I wanna stay with horsie!" moaned Ron

Hermione sighed "I'll take care of him you go on."

"But-"said Harry

"No you go" interrupted Ron with an evil grin "Hermione will deal with this."

"Hey shes mine carrot top!" yelled Harry whipping out his wand

"Oh yea? We'll see about that!" yelled Ron

"Er…im actually seeing Victor Krum" said Hermione simply.

Both Harry and Rons jaw dropped in amazement

"That bald idiot!" said Ron

"Damn he's a chic magnet!" moaned Harry.

Crying about losing his only love he ran into the next room and stumbled into professor Quirrel

"Oh hello professor squirrel" sniffed Harry

"Why does everyone say that!" said Professor Quirrel stamping his feet "It's Quirrel"

"Quiddle?" said Harry confused

"No its QUIRREL!" he shouted

"Qyuizzel?" Harry asked

"Oh never mind! Now what do you see when you look into the mirror?" he asked

"I see an ugly face with a turban on his head and a handsome boy standing next to him" said Harry winking at his reflection.

"No look closely!" said Quirrel

Harry peered into the mirror

"Hey I don't look bad… say do you think that Krum guy is better looking than me? I mean I have way better hair!" he said proudly waving his head about showing off his hair.

"Oh could you tell me your secret?" said Quirrel interestedly.

"I thought u didn't have any hair?" said Harry confused.

"STOP THIS IDLE CHATTER AT ONCE!" roared a voice from the back of Quirrels head. Quirrel shivered with fright and wet his pants.

"LET ME SPEAK TO THE KID!" Came the voice again

"Hey I'm no kid!" yelled Harry indignantly "I'm a grown mature man!" he said

Suddenly the teletubbies theme song started playing from his pocket "Teletubbies Teletubbies! Say, Eh-Oh!"

"Sorry gotta take this" said Harry taking out his phone but a sudden force blew the phone off his hand

"Hey! That was uncalled for!" said Harry and then he stopped when he saw Voldemorts face at the back of Quirrels head.

"Man you're more uglier in person!" said harry "I suggest you use some anti-wrinkle cream and Oh I have something to combat those dark circles!" said Harry wiggling his index finger

"Or I could just give you the number of this skin specialist I'm seeing-"

"You're gonna die!" said Voldemort and went after Harry.

Harry skillfully dodged him singing "Catch me if you can baldy!" and then ended up tripping over his own robes.

Quirrel caught upto him but couldn't catch him.

"Ha Ha Im invincible! Said Harry victoriously and raised his hand to punch Quirrel but his hand hit some invisible barrier.

"Ow!" he screamed and fainted with the pain.


	6. Chapter 6:The End

A few Days later he woke up to the sound of Dumbledores voice saying "Harry Harry!"

When Harry awoke Dumbledore shoved some chocolate frogs in his hand "Try them they're awesome!"

"Err Why are they moving?" asked Harry suspiciously

"Oh that's 'cause they're alive" he said excitedly "We got them fresh from the pond and dipped it in chocolate."

"Err Never Mind" said Harry chucking them in a bin.

"No No You have to try it or the fire side girls won't accept me in their team" said Dumbledore sulking.

As soon as Harry was released from the hospital he, Ron and Hermione came up with a plan.

"The Coast is clear." whispered Harry.

The three snuck into Dumbledores office

"There's the Bird Ron." Harry said pointing to the Phoenix.

Ron swiped the screeching bird and the three were almost out of the office when a voice came from behind them.

"Oh! What a lovely Bird!" said Dumbledore

The three stopped and faced him.

"I swear I have one just like him" he continued delighted "Now they can be friends."

Harry getting tired of all this took out a gun and said "Give us what we want or the bird dies!"

"What! NOOOOOO" cried Dumbledore "Leave the bird I'll give you everything!"

"Here take my chair" he said and chucked his chair at them.

"Here have my sofa." He chucked his sofa at them.

"Here have my tube light" he unscrewed his tube light and chucked it at them

"Here have my clothes!" He was about to undress himself when Ron yelled "Dude get a hold of yourself!"

"We just want the Overall House Cup" said Hermione her eyes already closed

"Will I get my Birdie back then?" said Dumbledore childishly

"Sure" said Ron walking away.

During the final dinner at the great hall Dumbledore got up to make the announcement everyone was waiting for

"And the winning house is Slyt-" he stopped and looked at Harry who was shaking his hand wildly and doing sign language

"Ravenc-" he tried again

Harry shook his head.

"Gryff-" he said doubtfully

Harry nodded his head violently giving the thumbs up.

"Gryffindor!" shouted Dumbledore. Everyone clapped and Ron gave back Dumbledore's bird to which the headmaster started break dancing.

Everyone lived happily ever after unless someone got run over by the Hogwarts express ;)

THE END!

Authors Note:

Ok that's it I guess. Hope you liked it We will try and make parodies on the other books of the series and other good stuff but this is all for now I guess thanks for all the reviews!


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